The Day-After We Marry

Final Thoughts On “Planning for an Uncommon Marriage”

Putting It All Together – Part 4

Our church has a practice of fasting with prayer twice annually for 21 days. At the end of the 21 days, we have people who enjoyed the exercise and wish to continue beyond the 21 days. We call this day 22 and beyond. In the same type of thinking, for one who enjoys or wishes to enjoy being married, one must become a day-after-the-wedding type of person. An individual must be committed to going beyond the ceremony and bring the excitement, motivation, and desire into the days after the wedding ceremony. Day-after-marriage.

In this final installment, I want to leave you with a few thoughts: two philosophies and three practical thoughts to add to the plans you’ve created to have an uncommon marriage.

I’ll begin with the two philosophies I want you to remember for the rest of your lives.

1. Be willing to compromise.
   I’m certain you’ve heard this before. In a marriage the couple must be willing to compromise. Actually in all relationships that involve people, there must be compromises in order to maintain a good relationship. I want to say this a little differently so that you won’t forget. I call this my philosophy of “swallowing”.

   Have you ever had your parents give you a teaspoon of some awful tasting cough medicine? Your mom or dad places a spoon to your mouth and says these words. Open up. You open your mouth and in comes the medicine. The most awful taste in the world hits your tongue and the next action you take is where this philosophy comes in. You “swallow”. Even though the taste is horrible, you swallow it because you know if you do, the way you feel now will begin to improve.

   In the same way, compromising in a marriage is like swallowing. You must know when it’s time to swallow so that the relationship will improve. To swallow means you’ve decided to carry the relationship on when your spouse is unable to. If you don’t, there may come a time that your spouse is down and you are either unwilling or unable to hold it (this relationship) together. Let me say it in a different way. You “swallowing” is you saying you care more for your spouse and this relationship than you do for yourself. Are you ready to “swallow?”

2. Marriage is a sport.
   Let’s imagine for a minute that marriage is a sport.
   Who makes up your team? That would be you and your significant other. Stop there so that I can say this. You two are on the same team. You are not on opposite teams.
   Who are your opponents? This is the best question that the two of you should answer so that you know who you’re working against. When you see your opponent clearly, you’ll stop making an opponent out of each other.
   Who’s taken the field this week? In some games not all the players can take the field at one time, that means you need to know who the best player is for this part of the game. In the same way, the two of you need to know when the other of you is the best person to take the field and the one who needs to sit this one out.
   What’s the game plan? In your marriage, have a clear game plan so that you know who’s doing what and what’s to be accomplished. Without a game plan, you’re at the mercy of the game itself. By the way, if you have no game plan, the game usually ends in defeat for you.
   Have you reviewed the previous game footage? Take a moment and reflect on what occurred the last time you were in this position so that you can alter how you intend to proceed.
   Have you studied your upcoming opponent? This one is good. Have you studied your opponent so that you can match their weaknesses to take advantage of your strengths and vice-versa?
   Do you need help from a coach or who can help make you have a better game? Are you practicing the way you plan? Consider changing how you practice so that how you play improves. Marriage is a sport where you and your partner are the team.

Now I’d like to offer a few practical actions one can take beyond their wedding day. Remember, we believe a person without a plan is a person who plans to fail. Said another way, a person who doesn’t have a plan beyond-the-wedding day is a person who plans to fail beyond-the-wedding day.

Here are three actions a couple might consider taking to improve their chances of securing an uncommon marriage:

• Redefine everything.
  Learn how to redefine everything. You will want to take with you into your marriage all the things you brought with you from your past. Get comfortable with recreating everything. For example, you’ll need to recreate and redefine how you celebrate holidays like Christmas. You’ll have to work together in creating how the two of you together want to do it.

  The ceremony may have seemed like the end or the climax of your marriage; however, it’s the beginning page of your story, your life together.

  Are you ready to write the pages of your story together? By the way, those pages are blank beginning with day 1 post the wedding ceremony. It’s like bringing a baby home for the first time from the hospital. The manuals won’t help you with the feelings that will arise when you hold that defenseless and helpless child in your arms. That same feeling occurs after the ceremony and celebrating ends. What do we do now? Redefine everything together so that what you have is created by the two of you together. In this way, you both know the ends and outs of your entire new world. You have become one.

  Start with (re-)defining for the 1st time who you really are. John Maxwell once said, if you fake it long enough, someone will accept you for who you were not. Redefine who you are by pulling the mask off for each other. It’s okay because from this day forward that mask is being peeled away anyway by your spouse whether they do it themselves or you do it for them.

• Put in place an annual checkup.
  There are some things you need to have in place to make sure your relationship is healthy. Some couples see a counselor. Others go to marriage conferences. Pamela and I have an annual retreat just for the two of us. We also have overseers appointed in our life to make sure we’re on course. Whatever you think you need to make sure your marriage remains successful, do that and have a recurring checkpoint to evaluate the status. Leaving your most important relationship unattended will result in a catastrophic failure. Find a way to implement an evaluation as often as possible, but at least once a year.
• Review your family plans regularly.
  The success of any project or business is in its ability to plan. So why not have a plan for your family. For everything you wish to accomplish, create a plan. In that plan:
  1. set an objective,
  2. figure out what it will take to accomplish it,
  3. describe what you expect the outcome should be,
  4. begin the work and steps needed to accomplish the objective,
  5. review what’s been do to see if it matches what you described, and lastly
  6. tweak what’s been done and maintain what you’ve achieved.These six steps are what you need to be successful in achieving all the objectives you desire to have an uncommon marriage.

To completely bring “Planning for an Uncommon Marriage” to a close, let’s restate the main takeaways and actions you never want to forget:

• Understand the cycle that every relationship experiences
• Stay close to the intent of why you married in the first place
• Get to know the relationships in your world better
• Perform a regular check on how you’re displaying love to each other.
• Build your life together by creating plans for what you wish to accomplish.

This concludes “Planning for an Uncommon Marriage.” It’s our desire that this material has not only enriched your life, but has inspired you to take your lives and your marriage to the next level.

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Our team has worked very hard putting it together. We designed it to help you and your family move the needle forward in making your life your business. Find out more about the Family plan here.[/su_note]