How the Leader I Hated Made Me Better
Leadership is Uncommon – Part 4
A leader should not be hated; instead, they ought to be loved.
As someone who leads several teams, I decided years ago that I didn’t want my team to view me the same way I saw my previous bosses and team leaders. I was one of those who dreaded pulling into the company parking lot and seeing my boss’s car. Maybe you come home from the office wishing you were back at work, or perhaps your team aggravates the heck [H…E…C…K] out of you. Well, that can change starting today. I did it, and so can you.
I want to expand on the concept of a different type of leader, also known as a next-level leader. Sometimes, we mistakenly label individuals as leaders simply because they hold a title. For instance, if you dread seeing your boss, that could indicate that you don’t respect them as a leader. They may not be the kind of leaders you need or want.
When we talk about a next-level leader, we’re referring to someone misusing their position and title. A leader should not be hated; instead, they ought to be loved. People love a next-level leader. The average leader who fails to exemplify good leadership is the person we tend to hate. “When the wicked are in power, the people groan,” but “When the godly are in authority, the people rejoice.” [1]
Let me share two scenarios involving leaders I hated seeing coming at once. While working in a nonprofit organization, I assisted a top leader whose arrival could be very stressful, if you know what I mean. I would hate to hear the garage door open and be face to face with that person I did my best to serve, which meant I would soon encounter this temperamental leader. You never knew what mood he would be in, and it was always stressful to prepare for that interaction. I found myself doing whatever it took to get through those moments.
I never wanted to be that type of person or leader. I hope people get excited about seeing me approaching; my goal is to incite positive reactions rather than dread. For example, the renowned coach Nick Saban from the University of Alabama, who has won multiple championships and is often called the greatest of all time in college football, I can imagine he was tough on his players, yet they loved him. Former players usually express that although he was demanding, the experience was worthwhile because he poured his heart into his work.
I’m not suggesting that leaders shouldn’t be tough or that being tough is the reason someone might dislike their leader. Sometimes, you need someone to be tough on you to get you to the next level. Sometimes, you need someone to challenge you to grow, and a good leader should do just that. It’s also essential to appreciate the fact that your leader is pushing you. The scripture says, “Iron sharpens iron,” [2] implying that a tougher piece of iron is needed to sharpen another. Therefore, you need a leader who is stronger, sharper, and better than you if you’re going to be sharpened by them, and you must learn how to love and embrace that relationship.
Returning to the leader I mentioned earlier, I realized it took some time to understand his approach. Eventually, I learned to appreciate his. I began to value how he conducted his work. You have to control your perspective on life regardless of what type of person you’re faced with. If you want to make a situation better, you need to adjust your attitude.
Let me highlight another leader I encountered: a vice president of finance who had a bad reputation within the organization. People often described her as terrible, hardcore, and brutal. Those comments colored my perception before I had the chance to spend much time with her. When I would pull into the parking lot and see that black Tahoe, I would think, “Oh no, it’s going to be a tough day.” I let others’ opinions shape my views of someone I hardly knew. Eventually, I realized I could allow the negativity of others to influence me, or I could change my perspective and approach the situation differently.
I’ve decided not to be the type of leader that I hate. Listen, I can’t dictate what type of leader or another person is going to be, but I can dictate what type of leader I’m going to be. Here are the two actions I took that transformed my attitude and experience:
1. Change the relationship you have with your boss.
I realized I needed to change my perception of my leaders because I couldn’t change them. In other words, I looked for things I liked about this person. In the first scenario, I decided to emulate certain qualities I admired about that leader. This individual was exceptional at creating opportunities; he was a trailblazer who dared to venture into areas that others wouldn’t. He came into the office early and left late, demonstrating a work ethic I genuinely admired. He built a successful business in a saturated industry, possessing traits I aspired to acquire. Therefore, I shifted the way I viewed him and chose to appreciate the positive aspects he represented.
In the second scenario, regarding the finance vice president who drove a black Tahoe, I had to let go of some old information and pick up some new information. Instead of avoiding her reputation, I approached her and discovered she genuinely cared about my professional growth. I have several stories where she went out of her way to help me improve as a leader. She saw things in me I couldn’t even see in myself, and I will always be grateful for her support. My life and career would not be the same without her impactful leadership.
Returning to the main point, we must always change how we see a person if we’re going to be true leaders. I’m sharing these experiences so you can strive to be the type of leader you admire rather than one you hate. If there are qualities in your current leaders that you find distasteful, aim to view them differently and see the tasteful attributes that you admire. You see, God made them, and when He did, He made them with a special gift with you in mind. [3]
I changed my relationship with my boss. I didn’t wait for my boss to change; I made it my mission (my job, new project, and goal) to transform this relationship. I then focused on understanding what my boss needed from me in relation to my job. This act resulted in me following a leadership takeaway I learned from Jesus of the Bible; I aimed to fulfill my leader’s requests better than anyone else.
2. Decide to be the person you want your boss to be.
I decided to embody the qualities I wanted in my boss. My Aunt Beatrice, as I like to call her, once said, “Whatever you search for is what you’ll find.” If you want to uncover a cheating spouse, look for it; if you seek a faithful partner, look for that instead. I went on a quest to discover the traits I wanted to see in a boss and then became that person myself. I made a list of actionable steps to take and reviewed it daily. By becoming the leader I wished my boss could be, I improved our relationship and created better synergy within my own team. Transform your role on the team, and you will transform your team.
I wanted my boss to be more organized, so I made it a point to be organized myself. If I wished for them to show kindness, I was kind. It’s important to note that not every boss is effective, even if they hold a leadership title. Nonetheless, I decided to be the person I wanted them to be. If I wanted them to be more responsive, I became more responsive. If I wanted them to be punctual, I made sure to be on time. If I desired more inclusivity, I practiced being more inclusive. If communication was lacking, I increased my communication efforts.
Ultimately, I became the leader I wished my bosses would be. If you’re going to be a great leader, your job is to become the thing that you want others to be so that they can model what you are.
If you’re unwilling to become something greater, why would you expect anyone around you to become something greater?
[1] Proverbs 29:2 NLT, Bible.com, accessed May 1, 2025, https://www.bible.com/bible/116/PRO.29.2.NLT
[2] Proverbs 27:17 NKJV, Bible.com, accessed May 1, 2025, https://www.bible.com/bible/114/PRO.27.17.NKJV
[3] 1 Peter 4:10 NIV, Bible.com, accessed May 1, 2025, https://www.bible.com/bible/111/1PE.4.10.NIV
All Scripture references used by permission, see our Scripture copyrights.
