The Second Two Stages in the Relationship Life Cycle
Understanding the Relationship Life Cycle – Part 2
As we’ve mentioned, the relationship life cycle can be split into two pieces: 1) new love and 2) matured love. Each part consists of two stages and in this second lesson we’re discussing the second part, the part I call “matured love”: conflict and resolution. The goal in this exercise is to identify what these relationship life cycles look like and how we might experience them in an uncommon way. If you desire to have an uncommon marriage, then you’ll need to have an uncommon “matured love” experience.
I use the term “matured love” to indicate that some time has transpired in the relationship. I get there could be an argument here when it comes to a marriage as some new marriages begin in this phase. This means that the “new love” stages were experienced outside of the marriage ceremony. Nonetheless, as time progresses in a relationship so do the relationship life cycles. Now that we’ve discussed the “new love” stages (infatuation and realization), it’s time to discuss the next two before the cycle repeats.
Stage 3 – Conflict.
You have allowed your infatuation and realization to create a conflict.
All this means is that you saw the glamour, gift, and the best of your significant other without taking into consideration their weaknesses as well as your differing backgrounds. When these two ideas intersect, the product is “conflict”, stage three of the relationship life cycle.
Under ordinary circumstances, which means naturally, this stage produces arguments and disagreements that never would have occurred if the couple remained in the infatuation or realization stages. As you become better acquainted and familiar with a person, these two stages collide. Most of us have either experienced this or seen it. Since this is the case, I won’t waste your time painting the picture of what it looks like when a couple has conflict, we know that all too well.
What I’d like to share with you is another side to “conflict” that most (51% or more) never get to see. Stage three, conflict, is the indication that your relationship is about to grow stronger. While the idea of conflict is negative because that’s normal, I need you to imagine that it’s positive because that’s not normal. When you engage in conflict, you need to know first off that the person you were infatuated about and over is not your enemy, never has been nor ever wanted to be. You see, conflict normally means you have someone that’s an enemy out to do you harm and this is not the case in a relationship.I’d like to say that harm only occurs in stage four, resolution, when one is trying to resolve a conflict. More on that in a second.
See conflict is iron sharpening iron.[1] In conflict you become better and in this case better able to serve the needs of your significant other. This conflict lets you know that your significant other has a belief that’s so important to them that they are unable to shake it without conflict occurring. You need to know and understand this. In doing so, you become stronger as a person and solidify the bond you have with your significant other to a new level. Therefore, learn to see conflict as a way to grow your relationship.
State 4 – Resolution.
You have come to the decision point.
In order to end stage three, conflict, one must arrive at stage four, resolution. In this stage, you and your significant other must come to a decision point.. No matter what decision you come to, be it a good one (forgiveness and understanding) or bad one (ending the relationship), resolution will occur at some point and then it’s on to repeating the life cycle. Let’s take this thought further.
There are two choices that can be made.
In the resolution stage, you are always faced with two choices that can be made. No matter which choice (good or bad) you make, it would serve you well to map out a plan of where each choice may take you. Once you have that, add to your plan what you’d like the desired outcome to be. “No plan” means that you’ve planned to fail and this time it means fail to resolve an issue.
Now let’s talk a little about your two choices. First, one can choose to work at making the marriage or relationship work. This does not mean you must give up your set of philosophies that brought the conflict in the first place, however it does mean expanding your beliefs to include and/or understand the philosophies of your significant other. Once you have this resolution, you return to stage one (infatuation) again. Note that the infatuation stage generally, on subsequent rounds, lasts for a shorter time period than the first time. You want to do your best to stay in this stage for as long as possible. It’s the stage that begins the “new love” phase which people long for and it’s easily identified by others who witness your relationship from the outside.
Secondly, one can choose to end the relationship. This can be painful, because once you get to this stage, you’ve invested a lot and gained a lot, like shared friends and family. This certainly is one way to bring resolve, but may prove to be the most costly.This second choice is the normal one, so to be uncommon, take that choice off the table and only choose to work at understanding your significant other’s philosophies so that you can move onward with your lives. Do whatever’s necessary to get the relationship life cycle to start over and get back to infatuation.
You will make a choice and no matter which choice, it leads to the same path.
This is a key point to note. No matter what choice you make, both choices have the same outcome. They lead down a road that will be difficult. The road on either side will require one necessary change. You must change. Your significant other will change. Everyone in the relationship will change. In stage four, the desire was for someone to change and you certainly desired others to change, but the problem was never the other person. It always started and ended with you. You must change; you will change in stage four no matter what.
This all leads me to one last topic to briefly cover.
Who’s Responsible for the Relationship?
After understanding that relationships have a life cycle we must answer this essential question, who is responsible for the success of my relationship? The common answer is the two people in the relationship. In a normal relationship, we were told that it’s 50/50. You should toss that lie out the window. 50/50 is not what you want. Unless, you want normal results. You want to aim at 100/100. You give 100% and your spouse gives 100%. When you add your parts together it should always equal more than 100%. You can get anything shy of 100% on your own so why would you need anyone else for that?
At the end of the day, you must take 100% ownership for what happens in your relationship. If you are looking for your spouse to own your relationship and it’s success, then you’ve already lost. You on your own must accept the responsibility for the entire thing. If it fails, let it be your fault. If it succeeds, let it be your fault. No matter what, it’s your fault.
Now that you know every relationship goes through cycles and are familiar with its stages, use this knowledge to make a plan for your success in marriage. In life we go through seasons: summer, fall, winter, and spring. These seasons, like the relationship life cycle stages can be viewed in a negative light if you default to normal thinking. But if you choose to utilize some uncommon thinking, you’ll soon find that each season brings with it what you need to be successful in the season that follows. The relationship life cycle is no different.
Assignment: What goals do you have for yourself and for your family?
For our next lesson, it’s important to not only have a list of personal goals, but goals you have for a family. When you decide to do life with another you must pair your goals. The purpose of any relationship is to make the lives of the people involved better. Therefore, since you’ve decided to be in a relationship together, we must learn to relate. In this exercise, we will discover how to connect our goals and build a family around them.
Note: This exercise is to be completed individually, but will be shared and discussed in the next session, together. Keep in mind as you complete your goals, you should end up with two lists: 1) a set of personal life-goals and 2) a set of life-goals for the family you desire to build.
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Find out more about the Family plan here.[/su_note]Reference #1: Proverbs 27:17 NLT, Bible.com, accessed June 14, 2021, https://www.bible.com/bible/116/PRO.27.17.NLT
All Scripture references used by permission, see our Scripture copyrights.
