How to Deal with the Impacts of a War in a Family
The War Families Find Themselves In – Part 3.1
When the battle begins (that breaks a family apart) you will be forced to define your new role. Who you are and where you are? It’s almost an unnatural process. You must define your mix. What am I really fighting for? When the battle is over, what does this look like for you?
After you’re done battling and the war is finally over, no side is left unscarred and you are left in a place of uncertainty. Each side must rebuild that which was destroyed during the fight. What will you need to rebuild, reshape, and reestablish now that you’ve been to war? The answer will ultimately lie within your definition of who you are. As you redefine who you are and how you’ll look on the other side of war, you’ll want to grow in such a way as to never find yourself on the battlefield with family ever again. In short, you’ll never again desire to be at war in your own family.
In this particular lesson, what I have to discuss are two ways in which you are impacted that will require you to redefine who you are. After the war, you don’t get to be the old person you used to be. The sooner you learn this the better.
- You are no longer who you used to be.
Can you imagine losing the person you’ve seen in the mirror for decades? Yes, the only person you’ve known yourself to be for tens of years has disappeared as a result of war. You no longer recognize yourself and neither does your family, which is something you need to keep in the back of your mind. This impact influences how you build your new family, the family that will now become a blended family.
- Those you know now must meet the new person you must become.
The Old Testament provides us an idea on how God feels about divorce (a.k.a. the war families have). It says that “He hates divorce.” 1 and so do I and I understand why He hates it. It causes a person to become a new person and for those who know this person, it forces them to become acquainted with a new person. It happens whether that person wants to become a different person or not. You need to know that this change is very hard. It’s like having a person die on you and they’re being replaced by a look-a-like. That’s what this war does in families. May we continue?
The Thought or Concept:
You are no longer who you used to be.
Allow me to help you see the breadth of how much could possibly have changed after the war in a family. This is the part that gets missed. I’m not providing this detail to scare you or discourage one of the toughest decisions you must make, but so that I can help get you back on the road to recovery quickly. It’s our goal to provide an idea of how much landscape this war touches and provide you with a list of actions not to miss. We will look at these from the eight areas that make up the business we call our lives:
- Executive Administration: You’ll need to determine how this war has impacted your church. For me, it required a change in churches. Not only that, we had to determine how to best orient our daughter into this world of dual church attendance, church with mom and church with dad. Never considered that?
- Finance: Your financial outlook may take a big hit. Just plan for this anyway. You’ll soon find out this war can be very costly. In a blended family scenario, you may have to provide monthly support for children impacted. Also, you might pick up children that you had never imagined supporting prior. Have a plan for it.
- Facilities: After the war, someone has a new home, dwelling, place to live. How will this impact your children? You must consider location, distance, schools, etc. With dwelling changes comes added responsibilities and actions. Be ready for the move.
- Office Administration: After any major event, you will need to make sure your documents, records, and paperwork is intact. Locate important documents like birth certificates and determine how each parent will need their own copies. Do what’s necessary to obtain the documents you need because you might not be able to get them from the opposing party. Just don’t count on that working.
- Production and Development: Be careful with your job. Major life events have a way of consuming your brain power and could create hardships on the job. This was one area I hadn’t considered and while you’re trying to rebuild lives, you don’t need the added weight of looking for new employment. Remember, your family in this new world still needs you.
- Marketing: In losing a battle or winning one where there is loss, the number one thing that no person should lose is the person God made you to be in the first place. Therefore, you will need to rebrand your image. The old image is gone and will be pretty beaten up. I suggest you start a new branding campaign not just for the people who see you from the outside, but for those on the inside. Your family will need to know that you can be counted on even in this new world.
- Human Relations: Make this about the people. I know what led to the war may not have been about the people, but if you want to have a better go at it in the new world, you’ll need to exchange a me-centric attitude for a people-centric attitude.
- Legacy: After the war ends is the best time to think about legacy. This is where you get to redesign your life so that it gives you an outcome you desire. You might have been on autopilot before, but it’s time to take the yoke by the hands and direct your life where you want it to soar.
We will take a break here and pick-up with number two: those you know now must meet the new person you must become, next week. Remember, all of what happens to you, is your business, your life and you have to know what to do with it when your business is going out of business. It’s not over, you get to start again.
Today is Friday!
In this lesson, we hope we’ve given you some important things to think about. For those who’ve experienced the war in families, we pray this helps get you back on the road to rebuilding. For those who have no experience with this at all, I hope you never do, but you can be an agent of change by sharing this with someone who has or is thinking about. It’s the best way you can help.
Until next week, remember this is your life, your business. Thanks for visiting Kerry A. Clark & Co.
Reference #1: Malachi 2:16 NLT, Bible.com, accessed October 26, 2020,