Putting It Aside For My Child

Our Feelings Aside for Our Child’s Sake in Five Steps

Fighting the Wrong Enemy – Part 5

Making your child’s other parent an enemy is the normal approach in having a blended family. We must put aside such feelings for our child’s sake. In this episode, not only do I wish to explain why, but more importantly how. The uncommon approach is learning how to put aside our feelings. I once heard it said that we should have feelings equivalent to a dead person, in that we have no feelings. What would life be like if you didn’t allow your feelings to get the best of you? How much more would it benefit in making your blended family work?

Allow me to give a sneak preview of where this lesson is going. These lessons on “How to Make the Blended Family Work?” are about to make a hard turn from where we’ve been.

We must love what another person loves to show love.
Chris Hodges, senior pastor of one of the largest churches in America, once mentioned that the best way to show love to someone is to love what they love. In an illustration, he mentioned a pastor with whom he is now close friends with, showed so much love to one of his sons that this act caught his attention and became the catalyst that placed them on their road to friendship. When you love what another person loves is key to establishing a relationship of any sort.

This concept brings me to Pamela who is the best example I’ve ever seen of any person who shares parenting of a child. I think Pamela has given new meaning to the term “step-mom”. It wasn’t until Tamia heard others in her class reference the term step-mom, step-mother, or step-anything, that she realized that her Nana was her step-mom.

We decided long ago not to use the common reference, step-mother, because in the blended family in which we were designing, this term wasn’t appropriate. We chose the word “Nana” for a couple reasons.

1. We never wanted our daughter, Tamia, to be confused about who her Nana is versus who her Mama is.
2. While many understand the name “Nana” as a reference to a grandmother, that’s really not the case. In fact, it’s an enduring term for one who cares for a child and Pamela certainly has taken this to uncommon, extra-ordinary levels.

We must learn how to put our feelings aside for our child’s sake.
In order to get beyond fighting parents and move the needle forward in making a blended family work, I must ask the question what could life look like if we put our feelings aside? These points are taken straight from my observations found in my wife, Pamela as she interacts in our blended family.

1. We get to show our child how to treat his/her parent.
   You have to admit that in order for a child to treat you like you’d like them to treat you takes training. The ancient saying goes like this “train up a child in the way that he should go and when he is old he will not depart from the training.”^[1]
   
   
2. We are a blessing to the other parent through the child.
   This is where we must learn how to be a blessing to the other parent through the child. You see, Pamela ensures that our daughter gets the important gifts for her mama, which includes but is not limited to, her birthday, Mother’s day, and Christmas. In fact, Pamela takes our daughter shopping to select the gifts. She’s even gone as far as making Christmas gifts for Tamia’s mother’s sisters. We figured that if we are to love Tamia, we must also love what and who she loves. This includes the other parent and the other parent’s family, Tamia’s family.
   
   
3. We support the other parent because we support our child.
   Allow me to start here, supporting others can be done in a number of ways. First, we must understand the needs and desires of a person in order to support them. For us that looks like making schedule adjustments to accommodate classes so that the other parent can finish her education. You see, the other parent completing her degree is vital to our child’s well-being. Therefore offering any support we can or feel comfortable in doing is a benefit to the child we share. Helping each other advance in life is a way in which we can model the path that we wish our child to follow.
   
   
4. We care for our child’s other parent because our child does.
   This point may be harder to swallow. We should care for our child’s other parent simply because our child does. Think of it this way, if the shoe were reversed, you’d want to be cared for if caring was offered to you.
   Your child loves their other parent and there’s nothing wrong with that. Don’t ever miss this point. Your child loves their other parent and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. Try something with me. I got this from John Maxwell. Repeat this after me.
   “God loves me…
   God loves you…
   God loves people we don’t know…
   God loves people I don’t like…”
   
   In the same way, we must learn to love those our children love. For…
   We love our child…
   Our child loves us…
   Our child is loved by people we might not know…
   Our child might love someone we don’t like…
   
   We must love our child’s parent, if we are to love our child. We love because He loves.^[2] The truth is, if I love my child then I must love my child’s parent.  Take a deep breath because it’s an uncommon thought, I know.
   
   
5. We partner together because we are on the same team.
   Lastly, we partner together as a team with one goal and that’s to raise a child to be successful at life. You have to admit in this day and age, there’s a lot out there that can and will derail our children. We’ve decided not to contribute to life’s detractors. Therefore, we partner together. We all have roles that differ and we all understand those roles and use them to the advantage of raising our child.

I can’t say this enough, if you want better, you have to become better. If you want different, you must become the difference. If you want success in a blended family, you must do what successful blended families do. I can assure you of this one thing, if you continue down a normal, average, ordinary path, you will most certainly get normal results. I can guarantee that treating your child’s other parent well isn’t normal and doesn’t produce normal results. Supporting your child’s other parent, caring for your child’s other parent, and partnering with your child’s other parent isn’t normal and doesn’t produce normal results. But what it does is changes the playing field with one goal in mind, making your child successful in life.

Question: are you willing to love your child’s other parent because your child does?

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Reference #1: Proverbs 22:6 NKJV‬‬‬‬‬, Bible.com, accessed April 13, 2021, https://www.bible.com/bible/114/PRO.22.6.NKJV

Reference #2: ‭‭1 John‬ ‭4:19‬ ‭NLT‬‬‬‬‬‬‬, Bible.com, accessed April 13, 2021, https://www.bible.com/116/1jn.4.19.nlt

All Scripture references used by permission, see our Scripture copyrights.