What It Takes To Trust Your Child’s Other Parent?
Fighting the Wrong Enemy – Part 4
I came up with the principle to “trust and return” when trying to explain to a family member what they should do when their child is away with their other parent. You have to trust that the other parent has your child’s best interest at heart and take two actions in return. Those actions are 1) return from whence you came and 2) return the favor you received of being a shared-time parent as well.
Allow me to give you a little background. I was speaking to a mother who’d recently separated from her husband. They have one child together. As a married couple, they did the best they could in raising their son into becoming a young man. As far as I know and could tell, they had very few issues that stemmed around parenting their son or how they wished to parent their son. Post-divorce, they became shared-time parents with some considerable distance between them, but doable. In this new world, the mother began to have a problem with her son visiting his father. It got to the point, she didn’t trust him with their child. By the way, this is typical. After a family enters the new world of a blended family, the trust between those involved erodes. While this mother desired more than anything for her son to have his father as a male role model, she was uncomfortable with the act or the thought of sharing the time with the father. Obviously, she came to me for advice and this advice we’ve found helpful for those in this position time and time again. I call it “trust and return.”
“So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you…” [1]
Unless you decide you want to pursue robbing or stealing your child away from their other parent, the only other alternative is to find another way. Keep in mind two things here. One, stealing a child from a parent is normal behavior in which we can predict the results long term. Point two, what you do to another is a cause you’ve initiated that will bring you the same results. We call this whatever you sow is what you will reap. Back to the principle of “trusting and returning.” What I’m getting ready to say is uncommon otherwise you wouldn’t take the time reading this. It’s what we do.
Trust the other parent.
Step one is to trust. How can one trust when one has lost trust? That means you need to restore trust. Restoring trust takes time and communication. In this case, you need a plan that works for you, the other parent, and most importantly your child. However, you also have to stop being selfish. The same trust you wish for the other parent is the same trust that other parent has given you. Your child is their child. [To the left] If I were the other parent in this scenario, I’d tell you what you could do with your trust issues and return the same behavior I was receiving back at you. Don’t take that advice; it will start the war all over again. Instead, you will just have to trust that the other parent wants the same for your child that you desire or better. If you can’t trust the other parent who then can you trust? Strangers in the daycare? Teachers at their school? Friends who come and go? Trusting the other parent actually makes more sense than trusting any other person.
Return.
- Return from whence you came.
Let me start by saying it harshly. Return from where you came from. I say it this way because you need to get out of the way. The sooner you get out of the way, your way, the quicker the relationship becomes better. You’ll be able to work together for the sake of your child. Drop your child off and return the way you came. When you do this, you validate the other parent in the eyes of your child. - Return the favor you received.
If you haven’t learned this law that governs life, then you soon will. Whatever you sow you reap. Whatever you plant, you harvest. This means whatever you have in your life today is a product of the seeds you sowed yesterday. You may be thinking why is this happening to me or why is my life turning out like this, you can stop blaming others, but more important evaluate what you’ve been planting. When you change what you plant, you’ll change what you harvest.Now what does this have to do with returning. You must learn to return the favor to that other parent. Treat that other parent in the same way you’d like to be treated so that you are sowing the seeds you want to reap for yourself. Most people have a problem with this advice and you know what I say to them. Keep doing it the same way you’ve been doing it. When you do, you’ll keep getting the same old results you’ve been getting.
“Trust and return” is not a hard practice, it’s just not a normal practice or behavior. By default, we distrust and we take flight or avoid. I like thinking in terms of what’s normal because it also reveals the pattern or results one can expect. If you distrust your child’s other parent, it leads to arguments, disdain for them, and fighting to get one’s way. If you avoid the other parent, when it’s their time, they will avoid you, and not respect your wishes and even what you deserve. By knowing what’s normal, gives one a clue as to what not to expect when we do what’s uncommon. “Trust and return” in this case, won’t produce the normal results, but rather different results. Why not give it a try? All you have to lose is what comes natural.
Question: what do you expect from the other parent when you don’t trust their parenting?
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Find out more about the Family plan here.Reference #1: Matthew 7:12 NIV, Bible.com, accessed April 7, 2021, https://www.bible.com/bible/111/MAT.7.12.NIV
All Scripture references used by permission, see our Scripture copyrights.
