Seeing the Other Parent as Your Ally
Don’t Continue The War That Ended – Part 1
Regardless of the picture society paints or the instigators who remain, no one is in a war that lasts forever. A war in the family that is. Don’t carry a war on one more day than what’s necessary. End the war, as soon as possible so that the rebuilding, healing, and progress can occur.
Even when you’re not certain that the war is over, end it. Make it clear for you and everyone else for that matter that we are no longer in a battle against one another. The war I’m talking about is the battle fought that created your blended family in the first place. I’ll say it again, the war is over and you might not know it. When you’ve not made a clean ending, one fails to see the ally that’s right in front of them.
We have to master the skill of building an ally relationship.
We must stop competing against our ally. Competing against who? This will be some uncommon thinking. Why would a mom and step-mom have to compete when it relates to their child(ren)? Why would a dad and step-dad find themselves trying to outdo the other when it relates to their child(ren)? Sounds weird as I say it, right? There is a way to define each person’s role so that no one has to compete and your child(ren) to longer has to see the fight that’s going on between the ones he/she loves. By the way, your child(ren) can see, smell, and even feel hostility between you and anyone you do life with. Keep in mind that your child does life with you both whether you want them to or not.
After one decides that fighting or working against each other isn’t going anywhere, it’s time to start working together. You might not be friends, but you’re no longer enemies. There’s a term for this. It’s called an ally. An ally is a person who works with you to achieve the goal. The two of you partner up for a common interest. In this case, your common interest has a name, your child(ren).
In creating a blended family that works better than the norm, we have to master the skill of building an ally relationship. You and your child’s other parent must learn how to work together. This practice isn’t only limited to your child’s parent, but anyone who’s now a part of the blended family (i.e. step-family).
Let’s discuss the five concepts that will aid in establishing this new relationship we call allies.
- Our Ally is Our Neighbor
We treat our ally as we would a neighbor. I’d like to show you how an ally fits within the relationship pyramid or the seven levels of relationships. What does this new relationship look like and how does it affect the levels? - All of Us Are Now Working Together
We have to all work together. Each time a family undergoes a blend, there are more people who possibly enter into your relationship pyramid. In other words, there are more people to do life with than before. As a result, it takes more to work together. Ordinary people fight this and stay divided, but what if we worked together? We’d accomplish something. - Communicating is Key
Communicating is very important. As it goes for any relationship, communicating is key. In fact, it’s communication that breaks or makes the relationship. How well one communications is a predictor of how well this family is going to work. - Make Experiences
Some things are hard to put into words to get another person to understand. That’s when this saying becomes oh so true. You just have to experience it for yourself. Experiences trump head knowledge. Therefore if you want a family that works and that others can’t break down using mere words, then you must create experiences. The more experiences the better and the better the experiences the stronger the bond. - Go All In
This is important and there might be a better way for me to say it, but go all in. Let go of the past and what anyone else has to say about it and go all in. If you’re going to make the family you’ve created work, one must be willing to go all in. There’s no other way. If you go in only 50%, you’ll fail. If you go in under 100%, then there’s still a strong possibility you will fail. The only option is to go all in withholding nothing.
In this last series of “How to Make the Blended Family Work”, we’re discussing what happens when you stop the fighting, join forces, and work towards a common purpose so that you can create the blended family you desire.
Question: are you willing to do what’s uncommon in order to create the family you dream of?
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