Four Steps to Getting to the End of the Tunnel
Don’t Continue The War That Ended – Part 3
Each time a family incurs a blend, there are more people who possibly enter into your relationship pyramid. In other words, there are more people to do life with than before. As a result, it takes more effort in working together to make the blended family work. Ordinary people fight this and stay divided, but what if we worked together? We’d accomplish something great.
We choose to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I was thinking back through our (Pamela’s and my) parenting stages or seasons might have you. Think of your parenting as a timeline or a tunnel you must go through to get to a desired endpoint. At the entrance of the tunnel, the journey appears very intimidating, difficult, dark, long, and even lonely. The average person begins to enter and like most end up not going the distances required to get to the other side and simply turns around after each attempt. However, the uncommon person understands that getting to the other side is not optional and is willing to do whatever it takes. In this lesson, I want to discuss “the whatever it takes” to get to the other side of the tunnel which represents making a blended family work.
What would happen if for this moment, we’d forget about being “normal”. What if we forgot everything we’ve witnessed and what we know about relationships? What if we could start over with a clean sheet of paper? How would we create a relationship that worked? That’s what a family is: a group of people in a relationship whether blended together or not. And when I say, “that worked”, I mean works in producing the results we need it to produce. You see most (51% or more), never consider all the relationships that are forged when engaged in a blended family. When you don’t take this into account, you have no idea how to handle such interactions when they occur. What would it take to have blended-family relationships unlike any you’ve ever seen? You will need to do what no other “normal” person has done or is willing to do.
We must give more than 50% of who we are in all our relationships.
So, who’s responsible for the results you’re seeing in this relationship? If you want an uncommon relationship, you’ll need an uncommon solution. First, you’ll need to come to grips with who is ultimately responsible for the outcomes you’re seeing. That would be you. I once reserved this language for married couples until I figured out it works in all our relationships. Allow me to elaborate.
To have an uncommon relationship, takes more than the normal actions we’re accustomed to giving.
“You take full responsibility (the 100) for the relationship, expecting nothing (the 0) in return.” Al Ritter
You’ve heard it said that a marriage should be 50/50. That logic I can promise you will lead to a broken or incomplete marriage. Therefore I’ve concluded that the same is true in any of the relationship levels. If each person gives 50/50, you’re headed for destruction. 50% means you’re only giving half of yourself, half of your energy, half of your excitement, half of your gifts, skills, and talents. Each person must give 100% of themselves otherwise they can never expect more than what they have given. In other words, you reap what you sow. If you sow 50%, you reap 50% or only what you’ve given.
We use an unconventional method to have an unconventional lifestyle.
To make a blended family work or any family for that matter is a gigantic feat. Back to the tunnel I mentioned above. Making a blended family work is like reaching the end of the tunnel. I equate this to any act or goal attempted that no one else has ever done. In order to succeed at seeing the light at the end and actually reaching the end of the tunnel, you will not only have to take ownership of the relationships you have, but give more than the normal 50%. You will need to be willing to take unconventional steps. Actions that is.
Here are the four steps we use when attempting what very few do; like working together to have success in your family. We can use these four steps to get to the end of our tunnel.
- Define the impossible feat.
I’m a person of faith and this step is how you identify your mountain. You need to be able to identify the mountain you want moved from your path. If you can’t identify your mountain, then you won’t know you’re on one.
- State what it is you’d like to see happen with your impossible feat.
Now that you can put a name or a description to your mountain, you’ll need to say what you want to see happen to this mountain. In others words, what’s your goal? Be willing to speak to your mountain and tell your mountain to move, produce the outcome you desire.
- Obtain a believable perspective of your impossible feat.
This concept is not quite so obvious. However, if you’re on your mountain or in the midst of your impossible feat, you realize how humongous the task is. It’s like that old saying that goes, “how does one eat an elephant?” In the same way, you identify what you can do, right where you are and start there with moving your mountain. You don’t attempt to move the whole mountain at once, but as much as you can as soon as you can.
- Place your impossible feat on auto-pilot.
What this means is don’t return to being normal, it’s the uncommon person who charts an untraveled path. Set your course, so that you have no intentions on turning around. Work at it, change, do whatever it takes to stay on the course you’ve set as the destination.
You might find yourself in a dark tunnel, but as we all know tunnels have a beginning and an endpoint. Normal people stop short of seeing the light at the end of a tunnel because the distance appears to be too great. However, using these four steps will ensure you reach the end to obtain results unlike anyone else.
Question: what is the biggest mountain you face that’s keeping you from a family that works?