What Happens as A Result of The War: Producing a Blended Family?
The War Families Find Themselves In – Part 2
The one thing that can jump start or set off a war in a family is acting when tempers flare. Often when tempers get out of control a war begins and many times it’s an unintended war. You only go to war when all other options are totally exhausted. Options like being able to compromise or find common ground or any other options; better options are available. Regardless of the options, there are times when war is necessary in order to resolve a conflict that’s keeping both sides from making progress. When you decide to declare war, make sure it’s totally necessary. Sometimes your hands are forced into going into battle with family, but make sure you’re clear on your battle plan and the objective.
Giving up on the relationship.
Since the theme of our content is on making the blended family work, we need to know what created the need for a blended family. In other words, we need to understand what went wrong. There are a couple events that trigger the need to have a blended family: 1) divorce, 2) loss of a spouse, 3) a child losing parents. At the end of the day the need is triggered when something goes wrong or unexpected. In this lesson, we’ll discuss the most common, when a war breaks out in a family, called divorce. We call it a war because, when a war ends there is a declared winner and loser.
Something went wrong and out of that, something was lost.
You may be tempted to give up on relationships and I can’t blame you for that. You’ve heard the statistics regarding marriages. 50% of them end in divorce whether you’re a Christian or not. Divorce is what I call a family who’s gone to war. There are as many blended families as there are non-blended. Step-moms. Step-dads. No dads!
You see my friends’ relationships have challenges. They just have problems. In fact, you know more people who’ve had bad relationships or relationship issues than there are success stories. It would appear that the odds are not in your favor when it comes to having success in relationships. Why? Because that’s normal. You have a decision to make. Are you going to be okay with normal? And are you going to continue to tolerate its effects on your life? If not, say it with me, I’m not having a normal relationship!
Conflicts that lead to war are the results of normal thinking, normal behavior, and normal resolutions. Like the idea that relationships, marriages in particular, are 50/50. It’s the common phrase used in giving advice to couples. It means we share 1/2 the responsibility. When a couple gives only half of themselves, where does the other half go? That other half is where the seeds of war actually begin. Do you see any problems with this? If you don’t it is because it’s “normal”.
Regardless of seeing an issue with it or not, “normal” relationships end in the war known as divorce. “Normal” relationships have problems, stress, and unfaithfulness. “Normal” relationships don’t last. If that’s true and it is, the “50/50” relationship approach must not be a true answer to having a great relationship. It might be popular, but it’s certainly not effective. How would you feel knowing that the one you love only gave you 50% of themselves? How would you feel if your spouse only gave 50% to your children? Why would you subject yourself to such pitiful odds? Who sets themselves up to lose? The opposite of the winner is what I call “normal”.
What you have in a family who’s gone to war.
This is an important point to define. It’s important to know what you have in a family that’s at war. First, you have the warring parents which is spouse against spouse. A conflict has finally gotten to the point where the party can no longer manage without conflict resolution. Next you have the victims of war; that’s the children, other family members, friends and neighbors. So after the war ends one spouse will be the winner and the other spouse the loser, but regardless, due to war all parties lose something. The victims of war, the children in the family, must suffer unwanted restrictions and emotions. For example, each spouse will have disdain for the other and wish that same disdain to carry over to the children.
So the war occurred and now you have what remains.
The original family is dissolved. This is important to accept because the original family no longer exists, it’s imperative to start a new one. The biggest problem found in the aftermath of war are people who try to put the old family back together with new people. The old country after a war is no longer, neither is the family. Now you need new laws, new rules, new boundaries, and set principles. You have a new government, and decision makers. In other words, you have a new world. Therefore you must learn how to navigate the new world without wishing for anything from the old world.
A family devastated by war means but one thing, you’ve just landed in a new world. This is a hard concept to internalize for most, the old world is no more and a new one exists and that requires a complete start over for all.
Today Is Friday!
In our next section we’ll discuss what all this means; it goes deeper than you think. At any rate, most blended families are created by a war that we call divorce. Listen, it happens, don’t be afraid of it. You can get back up and you can get back up better than before. All it requires is some uncommon steps. Sometimes wars are unavoidable, but at the end of it, you can choose to live in the new world.
Question: What is the root cause of the blended family?